The One About Dog's Hair
Hangover Cures Or Nah?
Once upon a time I used to be able to drink my body weight in cheap beer and booze, sleep a few hours, and wake up the next day ready to tackle the world. This was in a magical land called “College,” during which time I could also fast for twenty-four hours and drop a dress size.
Ah…youth.
In this magical land, all that was required after a particularly fun night of said cheap alcohol consumption was a liter of water and something with plenty of carbs to soak up the residual booze in my system—like a stack of pancakes, say, or a greasy cheeseburger.
Of course, once I left this sparkly world of classes, parties, and parental support and began to function on my own, I was armed only with a Bachelor of Arts in English Lit and a metabolism that was depleting as rapidly as my bank account. In this Brave New World of Independence, the booze was still by necessity cheap but that whole get-up-every-morning-at-six-and-be-fully-functioning-in-order-to-earn-paycheck bit was a real shocker.
It was no longer wise to party on a random Wednesday night and expect to sleep until ten, at which time the official hangover avoidance program would kick in (see above: carbs and water). But what I didn’t quite grasp yet was the fact that, as I advanced further into the Overrated Thing that is Adult Life, my super perfect, secret sauce hangover cure no longer worked.
I’m sure you’ve heard your fair share of sure-fire, double-secret hangover cures. There’s a new book devoted to one man’s quest to try them all and how that goes (Hungover, by Shaughnessy Bishop-Stall—it’s a hoot. I highly recommend it). There are many websites promising a guaranteed cure, most of them promoting various forms of snake-oil in exchange for your hard earned dollar.
Let’s review some basics. First, about the whole “hair of the dog.” That tried and supposedly true method of pouring more booze down your throat in order to stay inebriated and hence, skip the hangover. Because this is a serious column designed to provide you with serious answers, I looked into the etymology of this phrase. It’s short for (as you might already suspect) “hair of the dog that bit you.” Sort of an odd thing to say to someone suffering from the sort of vise-grip headache and icky-stomach that makes them wish they’d turned down those last two appletinis or at the very least switched to light beer to end the night.
The phrase can be traced back as far as ancient Greece (some claim). The Dictionary of Phrase and Fable attributes the quote to the Greek playwright Aristophanes, who might’ve said, “If this dog do you bite, soon as out of your bed, take a hair of the tail the next day.”
Apparently it was once believed that if you got bit by a dog with rabies, you could be cured by drinking a potion that contained some of that dog’s hair. This makes about as much sense to me as mercury cures, bloodletting, and my personal favorite, using vibrators to cure hysteria (no, really this happened.) But beyond all the people dead from rabies and drinking dog hairs, the phrase has come to mean something that, honestly, is just about as effective.
I’ll admit to trying the Bloody Mary cure at times. Which lead me to the only true secret to “curing” a hangover. But more on that in a moment.
During the course of my exhaustive research into this topic, I learned about “congeners.” Congeners are toxic chemical by-products that are formed in small amounts during the process of ethanol fermentation, when sugars are converted into carbon dioxide and alcohol. Different alcoholic beverages contain varying amounts. They are most present in whiskey, cognac and tequila with bourbon being the worst (womp-womp). They are less so in gin, rum and vodka. So it would appear that, if you stick to the white liquor (except tequila which I recommend avoiding as a general life rule anyway) you might not have as much of a hangover than if you’re pounding out a Don-Draper-level Old Fashioned bender (a.k.a. Liz’s Favorite Mixed Drink, preferably with THIS bourbon, because it’s awesome congeners be damned).
When it comes to beer and wine, there are any number of “wine before beer, you’re in the clear”-type (mostly nonsense) rules, many of them debunked by actual science. But I have found the following to be true, based on years of personal research. I’m now prepared to pass them on to you, bearing in mind that the only thing to keep you from having a hangover at all is to drink in moderation, or don’t drink at all (as if). And the fact that all of this is just what works for me, and I’ll admit to having a higher-than-normal tolerance based on afore-mentioned years of training (I AM from KENTUCKY, you’ll recall):
Never mix large amounts of red and white wine in one evening. I have no idea why this is but I’m here to tell you, you do this at your own risk.
Always keep water handy and consume it while you’re boozing. Yes, you will visit the bathroom more often but a hangover is 90% dehydration so why not head that off at the pass?
Remember that when you “fall asleep” while you’re legit drunk you’re only “passing out.” Your body is still hard at work, processing the booze you assaulted it with. When you wake up, you’ll still be tired, which is but one component of a hangover, albeit an important one.
Start slow, if you can, with something low-octane like a beer (lower than 7% ABV). If you’re drinking cocktails, sip, don’t gulp. That booze will hit your brain like a locomotive, which can lead to Bad Decisions, including drinking more and/or consuming three Hot ‘n Readies at midnight.
Carb-loaded food does not help soak up alcohol and cure your hangover. Coffee makes you more wide-awake and aware of your agony. Coffee the night before will simply make you a wide-awake and still drunk. A shower will make you a soaking wet and still drunk.
Only water, sleep and time cure a hangover but the greatest of these is time. The longer you can sleep past the painful wake-up, the better. But if you have to get up and function at six a.m., it’s best to plan some quality shut-eye later in the day.
Again, the bottom line: drink in moderation, drink water, don’t ever drink and drive. But most importantly, put a pickle and some bacon in that Bloody Mary the next morning. It might not cure what’s ailing you but it will make it taste better!
I finished THE FUTURE audio book by Naomi Alderman. It’s a 3 thumbs up (out of 4) read for me, mainly because, while I LOVE what she’s done creating a Triad of Evil vis a vis social media/online shopping conglomerate magnates and then what she later does TO them, the narrative jumps around in a way that makes it tough to appreciate. That said, for the sheer “oh my god I know who she means” value of a lot of this book, it’s worth the listen, as is the talented narration team. Oh and once you figure out if you’re a “fox” or a “rabbit,” let me know! This was one of those book I actually enjoyed reading before I listened to it.
I’ve left SJM Fantasy Land and Alderman/Atwood style revisionism and am entering into a different genre for now. First up: Wellness by Nathan Hill (“Marriage”). Wish me luck! So far I’m at the point where Jack and Elizabeth are virtually touring their new condo and it’s … kind of depressing but only because it’s so damn realistic. Not sure what to expect but will report back because I’m here for you.
Hey! Do YOU have a fav hangover “cure” or secret to avoiding them other than “not drinking?” SHARE it with me in a comment!
Happy Friday.
xoxo
Liz